Open up, America. (Mar, 1975)

Open up, America.

And we’ll give you something that’s very wise. Kraft American Singles process cheese food slices. They build up a sandwich with real American flavor. Between the lettuce and the burger… between the burger and the bun. They’re individually-wrapped for convenience. And you can count on the quality, because satisfaction is guaranteed or your money back from Kraft.

Make room for America’s Favorite American.

  1. fluffy says: December 21, 20094:30 pm

    The creepy-looking child will enjoy the flavor of the partially-removed plastic wrap.

  2. rick says: December 21, 20098:49 pm

    Hi fluffy. Actually the plastic wrap is the best part of that Krap cheese.

  3. Don says: December 21, 200910:20 pm

    Hey rick. Not cheese. “Cheese food”, is what the product is: almost, but not quite, entirely unlike cheese . . . .

  4. Jake of All Trades says: December 22, 200912:00 am

    I don’t think she plans on eating the plastic wrap–I think she’s just peeling it like a band-aid so that she can deposit it on the burger without her skin coming in contact with the toxic compound contained within.

  5. Sorcerer Mickey says: December 22, 20091:30 pm

    OMG – that’s a Gaines-Burger!

  6. rick says: December 22, 20091:49 pm

    Good one Don! I’ll keep your definition in mind. I never was a fan of Kraft foods.


  7. Charlene says: December 22, 20096:36 pm

    Nowadays they don’t even get away with “cheese food”. It’s now “processed cheese food product”. Which is why it’s so cheap: it’s basically whey mixed with soy and various emulsifiers and thickeners. It’s wholesome, I guess, but it doesn’t have the flavour or the protein content of real cheese,

  8. Beagledad says: December 31, 20092:12 pm

    When I was a kid, I didn’t know there was any other kind of cheese. Except that way back then, it wasn’t individually wrapped. We were hardy souls who peeled the slices off by brute muscular strength.

  9. docca says: January 1, 20108:42 pm

    “yes mommy, put some cheese on my BRAIN BURGER! BRAAAAAAAINS!”

  10. Firebrand38 says: January 1, 20108:46 pm

    Nope, hamburger.

    I’ll just bet you wonder why that career as a stand up comedian never took off.

  11. Toronto says: January 1, 20109:35 pm

    Beagledad – ever forget to take the plastic off during the “transition years”?

  12. GaryM says: January 4, 201010:48 am

    “American slices.” Soylent Green?

    I’m reminded of a “Boris Karloff’s Diner” Mad magazine once did:

    “I’ll have a Swiss on rye, please.”

    “An excellent choice, madam. Would you like him rare or well done? … Or would you prefer a melted American on white?”

  13. BrianC says: January 12, 201210:37 am

    Be nice when talking about the Antichrist…

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