14 Smoking Accessories that Nobody Should Own

Double-Barrel Cigarette Holder
First up, we have this double-barrel cigarette holder. Makes perfect sense, right? You’ve got two lungs, gotta have two cigarettes. Of course if you used this I don’t think you’d have two lungs for very long…
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Whole Cigarette Factory Contained in Single Tobacco Can
I’m not entirely sure that’s tobacco he’s rolling up there.
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Remote Smoking Apparatus
This one is actually kind of neat, but it’d probably be better for smoking something else…
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Ash Tray Fits Cigarette

Dude, just get an ashtray. Or don’t. It seems like you’d end up grabbing the end of the cigarette and the weight of this thing would break your cigarette in half.
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Invalid “Fed” Cigarettes on a Stick
Thank god someone has solved the age old problem of how to smoke in a hospital bed when both of your arms are broken! And people say nicotine isn’t addictive?
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Wrist Lighter
How on earth is this actually easier than a normal lighter?
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Pipe Holster
If you thought cell phone holsters were the dumbest looking things on earth, think again.
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Vest-Pocket Ash Tray
And when you miss the ashtray you get to burn a nice hole in your vest, or get a pocket full of ashes.
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Cigarette Holder for Nudists
You really don’t want to know where that guy kept his cigarettes before this was invented.
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Cigarette Case Keeps Account of Smokes Given to Friends
I think that anyone cheap enough to need one of these would be too cheap to actually buy one.
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Keeps Smoke Out Of Eyes
And blow it into somebody else’s eyes.
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Trained Cockroach Smuggles Smokes
Ok, this one is just cool. Plus, if you’re stuck in solitary it’s actually pretty damn useful.
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NEW CIGARETTE PUT UP IN WATERPROOF PAPER
This sounds like a pretty good idea but you really have to wonder what kind of god awful chemical they used to make it waterproof.
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Safety Holder for Fag Smokers
And finally this ridiculously giant ashtray ring thing. It’s only redeeming quality is that if you squint hard enough you could swear this was a black and white snapshot from one of those Star Trek TNG episodes where Picard goes all gangster in the holodeck.
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33 comments
  1. Gazzie says: March 20, 200812:10 am

    The first one just blows my mind… why would anyone want to smoke two at a time?
    These pics look like they’re from the 30′s and 40′s and the portable and built in ashtrays seem out of place. Because… I watch old film noir movies and they always light a cig and throw their matches and flick the ashes right on the floor.
    I didn’t have to squint too hard in the last pic… That is Captain Picard and the second pic reminds me of FDR.

  2. Githyanki says: March 20, 20084:22 am

    It is amazing to me that with all of out technical advances, there are very few that are actually useful to the smoker’s. Smokeless ashtray is about the only thing I can think of.

  3. albear says: March 20, 200811:01 am

    OMG! the double barrel cigarette comment made me laught!

    First up, we have this double-barrel cigarette holder. Makes perfect sense, right? You’ve got two lungs, gotta have two cigarettes.

    Man, that is one of the silliest smoking accessories ever!

  4. Tuckeroo says: March 20, 20085:15 pm

    Photo #2: Marty! Welcome to my experiment, this the big one! Inhale at 88mph and the flux capacitor sitting atop sends you traveling through time!

  5. mdhatter says: March 21, 20089:42 am

    Geordi, can you beam this monkey off my back?

  6. Sorcerer Mickey says: March 22, 20087:09 am

    Actually re that last one, Picard would actually “go all Detective”, not “gangster”.

  7. lucassio says: April 14, 200810:25 am

    cool :D

  8. phil says: May 2, 20085:31 am

    Githyanki Wrote:
    “It is amazing to me that with all of out technical advances, there are very few that are actually useful to the smoker’s. Smokeless ashtray is about the only thing I can think of.”

    but what about the iron lung ? and the many many other medical advances made to help the smoker keep it up

  9. Shawn says: May 5, 20089:22 am

    Should be 15 items. You left off the ass pipe. An early invention upon the introduction of tobacco to Europe. The tobacco museum in Tennessee has several on display. Also the source of the phrase, “blowing smoke up someone’s ass”.

  10. Brad says: May 5, 20081:45 pm

    Okay as a non tobacco smoker the whole watch lighter things seems much harder than a regular lighter, that being said I want one because it is just cool.

  11. Dale says: May 6, 20082:25 am

    As a smoker, picture 3 looks brill! Might try and find one myself.

  12. website design says: May 6, 20082:36 am

    Smock every day :))))

  13. WinnemuccaMac says: May 6, 200811:08 am

    “I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.”

    “As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake. ”

    -Mark Twain

  14. twst says: May 6, 20081:50 pm

    mad props for the picard going gangster comment

  15. joe says: May 8, 20082:30 pm

    The comment by Shawn re source of blowing smoke up ones ass may be off. Book “Bring out your dead” about 1700′s Philladelphia Yellow Fever epidemic reports on “tobacco smoke enemas” as a treatment. Also women and children smoking cigars, pipes and cigarettes to ward off the miasma.

  16. Uncle B says: May 14, 20083:26 pm

    The same advertising power that made the 40′s look retarded has us running around in gas guzzlers and striving to live in McMansions we can’t afford. . . Same ads, diffrent assholes!

  17. Brian says: June 2, 20089:32 am

    Cigarette holder for nudists -AND Airmen in dress blues; Besides in you hat, it’s difficult to stay strictly in regs because your smokes make a bulge in uniform pockets. Wrist lighter: harder for someone to borrow and “forget” to return. Keeps smoke out of eyes: I could sure use this one when wearing my contact lenses, especially while chain smoking while web surfing. The hospital pic is very sad, I assume it’s injured soldiers. Today you aren’t allowed to smoke in a hospital, and let me tell you that besides the obvious addiction, it makes trauma, pain, and general stresses of winding up in a hospital even more difficult to deal with. They’ll give a junkie some medication relief, but legal smokers are forced to suffer.

  18. my77raisins says: June 26, 200811:57 pm

    Awesome list! I get such a kick out of old devices. And for the person who said they wanted one of #3 – the one for smoking in bed, would you believe I recently bought 2 different ones at an auction recently? lol I had never seen such a thing before so I had to have them.

    Anyway, thanks for creating this list! Great job!

  19. Samamerz says: July 2, 20088:40 am

    Cool list! And holy shits it does look like Picard xD

  20. jayessell says: July 2, 200811:10 am

    The second photo looks like the first Dr. Who.

  21. Candy says: August 18, 200811:41 am

    I think any or all of these could be used in an anti smoking campaign to show the insanity of smoking.
    good site :) I had a couple of good chuckles :)

  22. Ron says: November 4, 200810:48 pm

    There wa a Golden Age of Smoking…this was part of it. Damn it…we will never see it’s like again.

  23. g663 says: November 6, 200811:58 am

    Ahh but there’s no improving needed on the oldschool briar pipe, the basic design of which hasn’t changed in over a century. Since you don’t inhale, the health risk is minimal. Pipe tobacco actually tastes and smells good; and also smells nice in the jar or tin (unlit). Pipe smoking is only mildly habitforming (in the same manner as munching on snacks) but hardly addictive in the sense that cigarettes are. It’s one of the greatest pleasures known to man, right up there with good coffee and good chocolate.

    I’m surprised the steampunk crowd haven’t discovered pipes yet; they fit perfectly with the whole steampunk aesthetic.

  24. Tom says: December 8, 20085:39 pm

    Smoking is stupid.

  25. American says: March 11, 20093:54 am

    Tom- I’m am quite sure you engage in many practices most anyone else
    would find insane or “stupid”. What did mom teach you about “if you don’t
    have something nice to say……”?

  26. Hermann Hurch says: March 13, 20096:27 am

    How cool are these. I love it!

  27. Nomadic View says: March 31, 20095:00 am

    I used to watch my grandfather make his own cigarettes using a contraption. Laredo, I think the name of it was. They used to sell everything to make professional looking cigs. Like the papers, the filters and tobacco. Later as a delinquent Teen, I would have killed for one of those devices to make the best joints in the hood!

  28. Nomadic View says: March 31, 20095:02 am

    http://www.ryomagazine….

    God you can find anything on the net!

  29. MeMe says: April 26, 20099:18 am

    Electronic Cigarettes are the new way forward.
    If you are addicted to tobacco and chewing gum just does not do it for you then have a look at e-cigs.
    They are the bees knees or even the spiders ankles !!!

  30. addie says: January 1, 20107:24 pm

    Am I alone in this? The wrist lighter could actually be used rather suavelly, I mean if it was part of a cool watch or something?

    addie B)

  31. Bendarr says: February 21, 20105:53 pm

    Being a pipe smoker, I actually like the holster for the pipe. In the past I’ve had a couple of pipes break at the stem because I had to try to place them into pockets. A holster like that is actually a useful idea.

  32. uclickit says: April 9, 20109:28 pm

    I hadn’t even read the caption and i was already laughing about the Patrick Stewart lookalike. Funny s**t . And addie , totally with you on the lighterwatch i’m gonna google one up now

  33. Bendarr says: May 27, 201011:54 pm

    The bit about the ashtray that fit on the end (#4) did just now remind me about another rather odd smoking invention but it made perfect sense. It was a Pipe that was straight and not curved and had a mesh on the end. It was for those smokers who liked to smoke while riding a motorcycle. The mesh kept ashes from going in your face but allowed airflow. I’m sorry I can’t dig up that picture of it but it was around from somewhere in the 1920′s through maybe the 1940′s or so.

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