“But Elmer, I didn’t say it would make you live to 90!” said Elsie, the Borden Cow. (Jun, 1954)

“But Elmer, I didn’t say it would make you live to 90!” said Elsie, the Borden Cow.

“I don’t need anything to help ME live to 90,” bellowed Elmer the bull. “I HAVE DECIDED THAT I’M GOING TO LIVE TO 105 WITHOUT ANY HELP!”

“Well, if you’re planning to live that long,” laughed Elsie, “there’s more reason than ever for you to drink Borden’s Buttermilk every day.”

“Oho,” roared Elmer, “now Borden’s Buttermilk is going to make me live longer.”

“No, dear,” smiled Elsie, “But Borden’s Buttermilk will help you keep fit. It’s not fattening. And this good healthful drink has all the proteins and minerals of milk plus that extra something that tones up your digestive system.”

“Skip the sales talk!” snorted Elmer. “I drink buttermilk for two reasons. One, because it tastes good. And two, because it cools me off.”

“Then drink away and cool off,” coaxed Elsie as she handed him a glassful of Borden’s tangy, refreshing buttermilk.

“DOWN THE HATCH!” thundered Elmer. “That’s a he-man drink,” he said, smacking his lips. “I’ll have another—fill ‘er up!”

“I’m sorry, Elmer, there isn’t any more,” explained Elsie. “I’ve put the rest of the Borden’s Buttermilk in the spice cake.”

“WHO EVER HEARD OF PUTTING BUTTERMILK IN A CAKE?” guffawed Elmer.

“Why every good cook knows that Borden’s Buttermilk is grand for making cakes,” enthused Elsie. “And Elmer, I use it in waffles, biscuits and muffins, too. It makes them lighter and better tasting.”

“Say,” said Elmer thoughtfully, “if I’m drinking and eating buttermilk, too—I might live to 106!”

“Well, now, darling, let’s not overdo this,” smiled Elsie. “Let’s end this the way we always do by saying . . .

“If it’s Borden’s, it’s got to be good!”

Your family’s daily health drink- Borden’s Refreshing Buttermilk ALL-ABOARD! ALL-A-BORDEN’S!

Get Borden’s Buttermilk on Elsie’s Good Food Line!* * Borden foods must be good—folks buy more packages of food carrying the Borden brand name than any other in the world.

12 comments
  1. fluffy says: September 28, 201111:15 am

    I’m kind of disturbed by the implication that adult male cows would be drinking their wives’ breastmilk.

    I realize that’s not really any worse than adult humans drinking cows’ breastmilk to begin with though.

  2. Don F says: September 28, 201111:45 am

    My mom’s name was Elsie. She hated Borden’s even more than she hated her name . . . .

  3. Hirudinea says: September 28, 20112:05 pm

    I fed my cat buttermilk once, he blew up like a balloon, the vet said he’ed never seen so much gas in a cat! But the crazy thing is he loved the buttermilk! Cats are stupid, never give them buttermilk!

  4. fluffy says: September 28, 20113:28 pm

    You shouldn’t really feed any dairy to adult cats to begin with – they’re lactose-intolerant. Actually it’s lactose tolerance that’s the mutation in humans.

  5. qyooqy says: September 28, 20114:39 pm

    I never knew that Elsie the Borden cow and Elmer the glue cow had a family together. I was lactose intolerant until I was about 10 and now I drink over a half-gallon of it a day. Do I get to tell people that I’m a mutant?! I wonder if I’m developing any super-powers I don’t know about yet!!

  6. jhynck says: September 29, 201110:53 am

    Elmer is a bull not a ‘male cow’ !

  7. qyooqy says: September 29, 201111:36 am

    Ha ha ha!! Oops. http://www.youtube.com/… Wow, I can’t believe I did that. I’m blaming vodka.

  8. fluffy says: September 29, 20111:25 pm

    I’m pretty sure jhynck was directing that comment at me. The thing is that gendered nouns have pretty much fallen out of fashion in English and while “cow” used to refer exclusively to a female beef (the old gender-neutral word for the animal, which nobody uses in that way anymore!), nowadays it is gender-neutral and “heifer” is the female-specific term.

  9. qyooqy says: September 29, 20112:14 pm

    This is the part where someone tells us that she’s only called a “heifer” until she’s had a calf.

  10. fluffy says: September 29, 20112:23 pm

    Okay, fine, whatever.

    You knew what I meant.

  11. fluffy says: September 29, 20112:24 pm

    Oops, sorry, got my posters confused there.

  12. fluffy says: September 29, 20112:28 pm

    Also I’d like to point out that dictionary-wise, ‘bull’ only means an uncastrated adult male beef; there is no generic term for a male beef in general. Basically, English sucks sometimes.

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