Weird Beauty Devices

These old magazines are full of devices for improving women’s appearance. 90% of them are completely useless, and some are even dangerous. Here are a few of my favorites:

MACHINE MEASURES BEAUTY OF FACE
According to the article this machine, designed by Max Factor, will measure the beauty of a woman’s face. I’m not really sure how that’s supposed to work, but the picture looks like a scene right out of a Frankenstein meets Hellraiser movie. Here’s another article that provides different view of this instrument of torture beauty.

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Woman Invents Dimple Machine
I guess this would work. If you consider annoying red welts to be dimples.

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Glamour Bonnet Provides Vacuum to Aid Complexion
According to the inventor of this device, the Glamour Bonnet provides an effect that is “…similar to what a person feels who climbs a high mountain or flies high in a plane…”. That’s right ladies, just remember that the secret to looking good (or at least thinking you look good) is hypoxia.

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Stencil for Lipstick
I really can’t speak definitively on this, since I’ve never actually applied lipstick. However it seems to me that the job of positioning and holding this one-size fit’s all stencil while applying the lipstick might actually be more difficult than the original task.

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“Magic Chair” for Beauty
This is the one item on this list that looks like it might actually be useful, it’s just a home gym. Though I doubt you’d have any luck reducing the size of your chin as the caption for this image indicates.

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SHIELD ON EYEGLASSES PROTECTS THE NOSE
Besides the fact that this thing just looks ridiculous, do you think the inventor considered what the user would look like when they took it off at the end of the day? A white nosed raccoon, that’s what you’d look like.

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Beautifully Sucked
This device is supposed to suck all of the dirt and grime from your pores, but all I can think about is “the machine” from the Princess Bride.

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Freckleproof Cape Protects Bather
If you are so prone to sunburn that you have to wear a polka-dotted hazmat suit just to go outdoors, perhaps Florida is not the right place for you to live.

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Expand Your Chest with THE PSYCHO-EXPANDER
These magazines are rife with products promising women to “develop their form” and teach them to increase their “lung capacity” but I’m particularly fond of the PSYCHO-EXPANDER.

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Breathing Balloon for Big Breasts
Here’s another device for “developing your form”, plus it lets you measure your lung capacity, that must be what women bought it for, right?

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BEARD IS REMOVED WITH MUD AND USE OF X-RAYS
This is the only device on the list that is meant for men, and also the only one that looks like it’s actually harmful. Very harmful. Terrifyingly harmful. Using radiation to remove hair is sort of like amputating your leg to lose weight.

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6 comments
  1. Blurgle says: April 3, 200811:20 pm

    That “magic chair for beauty” is not a home gym. The user isn’t actually using her body to move the levers; the levers are moving her body. All it’s doing is flexing the joints.

  2. Jim Grinsfelder says: April 4, 20085:48 am

    Hey, we’re still at it with the beauty machinery. Nowadays, it’s all digital…

    TAU student develops software that ranks facial attractiveness

    http://www.haaretz.com/…

  3. KT says: April 4, 200810:29 am

    Anyone who has ever had a facial knows that they will use little vacuums to suck the dirt and gunk out of your pores!

  4. Charlie says: April 4, 200810:37 am

    KT: Damn, you caught me. I’ve never had a facial.

  5. The Therapist says: January 26, 20099:37 am

    @KT – We don’t use vacuums on the face, although it does depend on what type of facial/the salon you have as too whether the therapists use something remotely similar (although not as bad as the pictures!)

  6. ebsmith says: October 22, 200910:50 pm

    Oh my god, that suction one DOES remind me of the machine in Princess Birde, only I always thought the ‘the machine’ looked more like some sort of freaky bondage apparatus!

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